Marry F**k Kill - Week 12
11/20/2014 - 1:14pm
We’re going to play a weekly game of MFK. If I tell you to
marry someone, that means I think they’ll have long-term value and are a must
add if available. If I tell you to f**k someone, that means they are benefiting
from circumstances that make them a great option in the short term, usually
someone I would trust just this week, and lastly if I tell you to kill someone
that means trade them or drop them or just generally avoid them like herpes.
For the rest of the season this isn’t going to be based on
position. By now if you don’t have a pretty solid roster in place you don’t
have a good team and you should quit. So now that we aren’t doing positions are
we just going to whatever the f**k I want do each week… yeah… that’s actually
100% what we’re going to do.
This week we’re back to the bread and butter. Marrying, f**king,
killing, and sex jokes (Sorry Noah’s mom). Tight ends have been terrible this
year. My column has been terrible this year, might as well bring them back
together because sometimes two wrongs make a right or at least a good for right
now…
Let’s be honest, this late in the season when you’re combing
the waiver wire for a tight end you’re looking for a touchdown. Stop doing
that. Look for targets, especially redzone targets, and look at yards per
catch, and average yards after catch. Touchdowns are flukey. Targets are less
flukey than touchdowns.
I’d tell you I’m rooting for you but I’m not.
Marry – Charles Clay
8th among tight ends in targets. Miami’s
offensive is finally kind of clicking. Clay hasn’t been great but I expect that
to change down the stretch. Adam Schefter loves him, and he’s never wrong. I’m
not sure that he’s never wrong but anonymous source 69 (yes I’m a five year
old) says he’s never wrong, and I love that guy.
F**k – Zach “so bad it” Ertz
As my pet name for him implies I’m not his biggest fan, but
after a two week dip his targets were back up in week 11. It’s hard to complain
about a matchup with the Titans. After what the Steelers just did to them on
the ground they’re going to overcompensate and leave some holes in the
secondary.
Kill – Vernon Davis
Has been targeted less than luminaries like Jace Amaro,
Brent Celek, and John Carlson. Normally I’d act like I’ve never heard of those
three people, but I’m a freak and very high on Amaro’s potential so I can’t do
that. I could talk about how Vernon hasn’t looked like he has quite the same
burst, which could be directly correlated to Kaepernick falling in love with
throwing to Crabtree and Boldin, but instead I’m going to make the sex joke I
promised you earlier. "Don't marry
a woman with big hands. It makes your pecker look smaller."
Its crunch time folks. Don’t get cute. Play your most
consistent lineup. Don’t go chasing higher projections. Go with your brain not
your balls.
-CKShreve
Marry F**k Kill - Week 11
11/13/2014- 1:22 pm
We’re going to play a weekly game of MFK. If I tell you to
marry someone, that means I think they’ll have longterm value and are a must
add if available. If I tell you to f**k someone, that means they are benefiting
from circumstances that make them a great option in the short term, usually
someone I would trust just this week, and lastly if I tell you to kill someone
that means trade them or drop them or just generally avoid them like herpes.
For the rest of the season this isn’t going to be based on
position. By now if you don’t have a pretty solid roster in place you don’t
have a good team and you should quit. So now that we aren’t doing positions are
we just going to whatever the f**k I want do each week… yeah… that’s actually
100% what we’re going to do.
I have no idea what we’re doing this week. I’m going to pick
some players. We’re either going to love them, love them and leave them, or
banish them to one of Dante’s 7 circles. We’ve done rookies, we’ve talked about
the playoffs. We’ve tried to fire up some controversy. We’ve pissed off
Marshawn Lynch to the point where he single-handedly changed the gravitational
pull.
This week I have no clue what to do. I thought about doing kickers. You
laugh, but I have a very rigid system for selecting kickers (Does the kicker
play for a team that scores points? Does the kicker play for a team I can stand
to watch? If the answer to both of those questions is yes... I would start that
kicker.). Noah would get mad at me if I didn’t write a MFK this week, but I
don’t feel as strongly about this week’s picks… so we’re changing the column
completely. So instead of MFK we’re going to play a game of Date, Blow,
Permanently Imprison (Maybe that was some anti-death-penalty propaganda). I
think the new game is less vulgar, maybe Noah’s mom will read it… probably not.
All of the rules remain the same, I’m just less accountable for the terrible
repercussions of the decisions you make based on my advice. I like this game
better already. I get to spout the same terrible nonsense, and you get to b*tch
less about what happens.
I hate Ohio. Let’s just focus on players from Ohio. Doesn’t
make sense to you? Who cares.
I’d tell you I’m rooting for you but I’m not.
Date – Terrance West
Terrance West is a large explosive back. He has a fat butt.
He reminds me of Michael Turner. If you don’t remember Michael Turner you
probably aren’t old enough to be reading this column, but I’ll allow it because
I’m probably a good influence on the future of America. Michael Turner was the
rare running back who was a better fantasy football running back than real
world running back. Michael Turner was a very good real world running back.
Terrance West runs people over. Terrance West jumps over the
line to score touchdowns. Terrance West rescues damsels in distress from the
clutches of their abusive uncles. (This just made me decide that in the
offseason we’re going to play a huge game of two truths and a lie.) I love me
some Terrance West and so should you. Has gotten double digit points in every
game with at least 15 carries. In his last game he was given the ball 26 times.
I love me some Terrance West.
Blow – Jeremy Hill
This one is going to be short. Gio is probably out again
this week. Jeremy Hill is better than he was against the Browns.
Permanently Imprison – Brian Hoyer/Ben Tate
Brian Hoyer is keeping the Ferrari in the garage. This is
completely unacceptable. He completes passes at roughly the same rate as Tim
Tebow. If you think that’s a good thing leave this website right now.
Ben Tate was previously stealing carries from not one, but
two running backs who were clearly better than he was. The fact that he has
finally seen a large decrease in his carries means that Mike Pettine is at
least capable of intelligent decisions. This new found faith in Mike Pettine
makes me more optimistic that the Ferrari will be released at some point.
Marry F**k Kill - Week 10
11/7/2014 - 11:15 am
We’re going to play a weekly game of MFK. If I tell you to
marry someone, that means I think they’ll have longterm value and are a must
add if available. If I tell you to fuck someone, that means they are benefiting
from circumstances that make them a great option in the short term, usually
someone I would trust just this week, and lastly if I tell you to kill someone
that means trade them or drop them or just generally avoid them like herpes.
For the rest of the season this isn’t going to be based on
position. By now if you don’t have a pretty solid roster in place you don’t
have a good team and you should quit. So now that we aren’t doing positions are
we just going to whatever the f**k I want do each week… yeah… that’s actually
100% what we’re going to do.
Guys (and girls, mostly my mom (Hi Mom!) and maybe Noah’s
mom but probably not because she thinks I’m too vulgar), I’m not going to lie
to you. I’m getting bored with all of this marrying, f**king, and killing. I
feel like I’m at the Red Wedding.
When I get bored I change things up, this applies to pretty much all aspects of
my life which is why I will die alone and unfulfilled. Enough about me let’s
talk about your fantasy team. It isn’t a dumpster fire, congratulations. If it
is a dumpster fire you should stop reading this and go drink something, your
season is over.
Assuming that you aren’t terrible at fantasy football, you
are probably in one of two situations right now, you either need to win as many
of your future games as possible to ensure that you don’t fall out of the
playoff picture or you have a playoff spot locked down and are looking ahead to
the playoffs. For this week, the Marry is going to be a player that I love
during weeks 14 through 16. The f**k is going to be a player that I like for
this week, but don’t trust moving forward, and the kill is going to be a highly
owned player that I don’t like down the stretch.
I’d tell you I’m rooting for you but I’m not.
Marry – Ahmad Bradshaw
Indy plays Cleveland, Houston, and Dallas during the fantasy
football playoffs. That’s not the world’s easiest schedule, but it certainly
isn’t the world’s hardest schedule either. Dallas’ defense is the same defense
that was maybe the WORST DEFENSE EVER last year, it’s time is coming. Cleveland
has a solid defense, but they’re going to be behind in that game and when
they’re behind Brian Hoyer throws more. Brian Hoyer throwing more is good for
the other team. Houston has J.J. Watt, that’s good news for Houston, the bad
news for Houston is that they only have one J.J. Watt and very little else.
Late in the season Indy is going to try to run the ball more
than they currently are. They are going to want to establish balance heading
into the postseason. If they are going to establish balance it’s going to be
with Ahmad Bradshaw as opposed to Trent Richardson. This is because Trent
Richardson is bad at football.
F**k – Mark Sanchez
Holy sh*t. What kind of bizarre world do we live in? The guy
who let the booty get him like woah is the starting quarterback for one of the
most prolific offenses in the league. Now I know what you’re thinking. Mark
Sanchez is terrible. You are correct. However, Nick Foles has been pretty
terrible all year, and is still putting up fantasy relevant numbers because of
who the coach is. I’m not sure how up on the kid’s lingo you are, but “Chip”
means championship. With Mark Sanchez at quarterback it probably means
disappointing first round playoff exit, but he should still be able to put some
points up against a Carolina team that has no pass rush, and no talent in the
secondary. Start the Sanchize.
Kill – Marshawn Lynch (But really insert fantasy relevant
Seahawk Here)
The Seahawks play Philly on the road, the Niners at home,
and Arizona on the road during the fantasy football playoffs. That is not a
favorable schedule. They don’t have the same explosive downfield threats to
open up the run game, and the line isn’t as good as last year. You can check
the metrics, I don’t think you will, but I already did. Marshawn is still
getting work, and I don’t think that will change. I just think that he’s going
to be more in the 6-12 point range than the 15-25 point range down the stretch.
If you’re counting on Marshawn to carry you through the playoffs you might want
to think about moving him before the deadline.
Marry F**k Kill - Week 9
10/30/2014 - 1:58 pm
We’re going to play a weekly game of MFK. If I tell you to
marry someone, that means I think they’ll have longterm value and are a must
add if available. If I tell you to f**k someone, that means they are benefiting
from circumstances that make them a great option in the short term, usually
someone I would trust just this week, and lastly if I tell you to kill someone
that means trade them or drop them or just generally avoid them like herpes.
For the rest of the season this isn’t going to be based on
position. By now if you don’t have a pretty solid roster in place you don’t
have a good team and you should quit. So now that we aren’t doing positions are
we just going to whatever the fuck I want do each week… yeah… that’s actually
100% what we’re going to do.
This week we’re focusing on some rookies that might not be
getting enough hype.
Rookies are terrible for fantasy football teams and almost
never more effective than a waiver wire replacement with more experience, but
this is my column and I want to write about a couple rookies. So…. I’m going to
write about rookies. Functionally, for your fantasy team purposes I can’t
suggest picking up the Marry at the moment, however I think the F**k is a must
add in 12+ team leagues.
I’d tell you I’m rooting for you, but I’m not.
Marry – Johnny F**king Football
(OK FINE HE GETS WAY TOO
MUCH HYPE BUT IT IS ACTUALLY THE PERFECT AMOUNT OF HYPE)
It was bound to happen eventually. I love him. Hoyer is not
a good quarterback. The Browns are winning in spite of their quarterback. At
some point Manziel is going to get a chance, and when he does he’s going to
take the job because he’s the better football player. For anyone confused about
why I’m so high on Manziel please go watch the Alabama v TxAM games from the
last two years.
Also, in two weeks he would be able to throw at Josh Gordon. I
like the longterm chances of any quarterback that gets to throw at Josh Gordon.
F**k – Allen Robinson
Since he got healthy, and Bortles took over, Allen Robinson
has been the best receiver for the Jags. They are never going to have a lead so
they’re going to be forced to throw. I love him. I’ve always loved him. He has
a chance to explode in the second half and compete with the first round rookies
in terms of overall numbers. I think Allen Robinson has a huge upside. If he’s
available in your league you should have picked him up yesterday.
Kill – Bishop Sankey
Still not good. My editors are going to complain that wasn’t
sufficient analysis.* My editors must not have watched the last Titans game.**
I did. It was ugly. Sankey looks confused in pass protection, and slower than
he looked at Washington. If he doesn’t figure some things out quickly he’ll end
up scoring the same amount of points as Doug Martin.
*Editor’s Note: It’s
about as sufficient as the rest of his usual analysis
**Editor’s Note: Who
really watches the Titans’ games anyways?
Marry F**k Kill - Week 8
10/23/2014 - 1:53 pm
We’re going to play our weekly game of MFK. If I tell you to
marry someone, that means I think they’ll have long term value and are a must
add if available. If I tell you to f**k someone, that means they are benefiting
from circumstances that make them a great option in the short term, usually
someone I would trust just this week, and lastly if I tell you to kill someone
that means trade them or drop them or just generally avoid them like herpes.
For the rest of the season this isn’t going to be based on
position. By now if you don’t have a pretty solid roster in place you don’t
have a good team and you should quit. So now that we aren’t doing positions are
we just going to whatever the heck I want do each week? Yeah… that’s actually
100% what we’re going to do. For example, this week I’m going to kill DeMarco
Murray, and it’s not just because I’m an Eagles fan who hates to see a member
of the Cowboys be so good.
This week we’re focusing on expectations going forward.
The panic is here. Breathe it in. Take advantage of the
panic. If you don’t see the panic… you’re the one panicking.
I’d tell you I’m rooting for you, but I’m not.
Marry – Tre Mason
Zac Stacy – 0 carries
Benjamin Cunningham - 2 carries
Tre Mason – 18 carries
The best rookie running back (He’s better than Sankey… I
promise) is getting touches now, and when he gets touches he’ll do things with
them. Not the things you wish your girlfriend would do, but things that are
relevant to fantasy football like scoring touchdowns and gaining yards. The
Rams offensive line is better than many thought it would be. You can take my
word for it or you can go look at the metrics. I already looked at the metrics,
but I’m assuming you’re an idiot and don’t care about the metrics. Here we have
a perfect fantasy football equation… talent + decent surrounding cast +
opportunity = 10+ points per week. Marry him. He’s got that Auburn Edumucation.
F**k – Branden Oliver
Wait, wasn’t he here last week. God, I am so lazy. Last week
I said he was coming back down to Earth, and he did, but Earth was still pretty
good. His value goes way down as soon as Ryan Matthews is healthy because
everyone hates platoon backs. Ryan Matthews isn’t coming back this week. If you
have him you start him and if it doesn’t work you can blame it on me. I won’t
care. For real though… Jay take it from here:
Kill – DeMarco Murray
He’s a stud. He should continue to be a stud until he gets
hurt. His usage right now is ridiculous. This is a player that has never played
a full 16 game schedule. If you have him and you think you can turn him into
Marshawn Lynch or Arian Foster and a complementary piece I would do it in a
heartbeat. He could stay healthy for the rest of the season, but between his
injury history and the dramatic increase in usage (usually not great for
running back health) he’s a definite risk to miss significant time in the
stretch run. I know I’m an idiot for telling you to trade the best back in
fantasy football, but that’s not really what I’m doing. I’m saying if you can
get a RB1 and a flex option for him, that the trade might help solidify your
team for the stretch run, and lower your risk. Sticking with DeMarco Murray is
“pulling out.” Trading him for another top 5 back and a piece is “wrapping up.”
Use protection kids.
Marry F**k Kill - Week 7
10/16/2014 - 1:06 pm
We’re going to play a weekly game of MFK. If I tell you to
marry someone, that means I think they’ll have long term value and are a must
add if available. If I tell you to f**k someone, that means they are benefiting
from circumstances that make them a great option in the short term, usually
someone I would trust just this week, and lastly if I tell you to kill someone
that means trade them or drop them or just generally avoid them like herpes.
This week we’re heading back to running backs, because they
are still the most important position in fantasy football. No other position matters. If you get 45
points from your two backs you win that week. Fact check me. I’m right.
Running backs are actually in my mind less about matchups
than any other position. A good back can break a big touchdown run against
anyone. A bad back still sucks. (Ignore this if they’re playing Jacksonville.
Start literally EVERYONE against Jacksonville. Jacksonville’s defense gets
pounded harder than… I don’t really have anything to add here that isn’t going
to get me in trouble with the editor). SO, this week’s column is all about
talent. Do they have it? Play them. Is their name Trent? Bench em. (I’m
starting him. I hate happiness.)
Keep your eyes open this week. People are starting to panic.
Panic is your friend. Some really stupid moves are going to be made this week,
take advantage of other people’s stupidity.
I’d tell you I’m rooting for you, but I’m not.
Marry – Bishop Sankey
Did you read the part last week where I told you to forget
about Bishop Sankey? Yeah. Great. I really appreciate you guys reading my
opinion. Gets me f**king stoked. Where was I? Oh, Bishop Sankey. Forget about
forgetting about him. He’s got the job now, he’s much more talented than Shonn
Greene and his name makes for some awesome fantasy team name options. “Let’s do
the Sankey Panky” “Do the Sankey Leg” etc etc.
F**k – Branden Oliver
I’m not sold, but holy shit were those first two weeks
awesome. If you have him you’re playing him. If you don’t have him and you can
get him… get him. I didn’t even look at the matchup, who cares. There’s a
chance he’s a stud. He actually reminds me more of a miniature Michael Turner
than Darren Sproles. He’s got a fat butt, and great balance. Who doesn’t love a
fat butt?
Kill – Storm Johnson
Jacksonville is a shit sandwich. The passing game isn’t
going to open anything up for the run. The run game isn’t going to open up
anything for the pass. The offensive line is terrible. The receivers don’t
block downfield, and they’re going to be trailing every f**king week. What do
teams do when they’re behind? Throw. Storm isn’t going to get the ball, when he
does get the ball he’s going to get hit 4 yards behind the line of scrimmage.
That is not conducive to fantasy relevance.
Well, thank you Brian. I love you too.
-CKShreve
Marry F**k Kill - Week 6
10/9/2014 - 12:04 pm
Welcome back to the weekly game of MFK. If I tell you to
marry someone, that means I think they’ll have long-term value and are a must
add if available. If I tell you to f**k someone, that means they are benefiting
from circumstances that make them a great option in the short term, usually
someone I would trust just this week, and lastly if I tell you to kill someone
that means trade them or drop them or just generally avoid them like herpes.
The players involved will be players that are either widely
available as free agents in an ESPN 12 team league, or guys I think you should
be trying to target or dump in trades. This week we’re going to step out of our
“no flex zone” and look at some guys who might be flex options this week (If
you've been living under a rock, flex is a position where you can play
rb/wr/te).
In a perfect world everyone would have 3 stud running backs
and would just plug the third back into their flex. This is not a perfect
world. This a horrendous world where you’re stuck choosing between Shonn Greene,
Trent Richardson, and a dumpster fire. Who do you pick? Trick question, all of
them are a dumpster fire.
The solution is to look at matchup, health, and fantasy
matchup. Like any other position if your guy is playing Jacksonville that’s
better than playing Seattle. Injuries are the worst, some are worse for fantasy
than others (high ankle sprains ruin marriages, hate babies, and generally have
a sour disposition towards life). Fantasy matchup is a little tricky. If you’re
projected to win comfortably, you probably don’t want to start a boom or bust
wide receiver. You want to start someone that’s going to get you 5-8 points and
keep your team on the path to victory. If you’re projected to get smoked, maybe
you start someone a little riskier (Allen Hurns). If the risk pays off maybe
you pull out a win. If the risk doesn't pay off you’ll lose, which will be fine
because your team was supposed to suck and it did.
I’d tell you I’m rooting for you, but I’m not.
Marry – Torrey Smith
He sucks. He’s done. Drop him. He’s a bum. Oh sh*t, this is
the marry part. My fault. He has some warts, and he’s currently averaging 4
points/game. That’s not great, but teams are going to start keying in on Steve
Smith. Steve Smith is not going to be some weird Calvin Johnson/Wes Welker love
child all season, and when he cools off Torrey will heat up. Torrey already
leads the league in pass interference penalties, and he’s being targeted 6
times a game. 6 targets a game is plenty for Torrey to slip behind a db and
lead your fantasy team to glory.
Or he’ll continue to suck and your fantasy team will
continue to do terrible. That is always an option.
F**k – Shon Greene
Quick note on the “Sankey Leg,” he isn’t getting carries.
He’s not. He’s the second string back on
a bad team, and isn't even a flex play right now. Yeah, he’s the more talented
of the two backs, but talent doesn't matter nearly as much as opportunity. When
Sankey starts getting 15 touches a game please start him. Until he starts
getting 15 touches a game please stop f**king talking about him.
Now what you’ve all been waiting for… the in depth Shonn Greene analysis. Here it is:
HE’S PLAYING JACKSONVILLE. *SHMONEY DANCE* (That’s two rap
references today. I’m on a roll.).
Kill – Eddie Royal
Had 90 catches as a rookie, and hasn't had more than 60
since. Last season he caught 8 TD’s on less than 70 targets. He’s not going to
do that again, that touchdown rate is very high, unsustainably high. Always puts up huge numbers in a couple of
games. He’s already done that, there is no more to see here. His targets are
going to dwindle over the course of the rest of the season. At this point the
only reason to discuss him in terms of fantasy football is by cursing his name
every time he takes a touch away from Keenan Allen. It’s 2014 and we’re still
talking about Eddie Royal. It was the best of times, it was the worst of times,
it was the age of wisdom, it was the age of foolishness. Don’t be a f**king
fool. Get rid of Eddie Royal.
-CKShreve
Marry F**k Kill - Week 5
10/2/2014 - 1:12pm.
Welcome back to the weekly game of MFK. If I tell you to
marry someone, that means I think they’ll have long-term value and are a must
add if available. If I tell you to f**k someone, that means they are benefiting
from circumstances that make them a great option in the short term, usually
someone I would trust just this week, and lastly if I tell you to kill someone
that means trade them or drop them or just generally avoid them like herpes.
The players involved will be players that are either widely
available as free agents in an ESPN 12 team league, or guys I think you should
be trying to target or dump in trades. This week we’re going to focus on wide
receivers. I hate them and so should you. They are moody divas who don’t love
you back.
If I’m looking for a long-term solution at wideout than I
will primarily be looking at the QB, the wideout’s height and speed, the
offense he’s playing in, and the running game the team has (better run
game=more single coverage, this sh*t really isn’t that difficult folks).
Don’t try to pick stream wideouts for one week. They are
terrible at doing what they’re supposed to do. If you try to plug and play
receivers you’re going to be a miserable person. Your sex life will be
unsatisfying, you are not going to be able to find a job, your parents will
turn your childhood bedroom into a scrapbooking room, and you’ll only receive
toothy bj's for the rest of your life.
I’d tell you I’m rooting for you, but I’m not.
Marry – Josh Gordon
This is a project. Girls always want to marry a project and
maybe they’re onto something here. Josh Gordon was the best receiver in fantasy
football last year. He only played 14 games. I don’t care if he smoking
anthrax, the kid is a monster. He’s available in 90% of leagues, you can’t play
him until week 12, and that all really sucks, but pick him up now. The last guy
on your bench is never going to start. In essence you are dropping the worst
player on your team for a player that would have been a first round pick if it
wasn't for “secondhand” wacky weed.
F**k – Allen Hurns
Undrafted rookie wide receivers are actually the worst.
However, this one has speeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeed.
I’m not convinced he could catch herpes from a hooker, but frankly it doesn’t
matter. He runs 50 yards downfield and they throw to him. I already told you f**king wide receivers will make you miserable, but if you’ve got to get it in
this week Allen Hurns isn’t a bad choice. You’re gambling but if you weren’t a
little bit of a gambler you wouldn’t be taking fantasy football advice from a
24 year old who doesn’t believe in socially inappropriate times to drink (Who
cares if it’s five o’clock somewhere. I’m thirsty, and I like how bourbon
tastes.).
Kill – Anquan Boldin
I love Anquan. I’ve loved him for years. He is the toughest,
baddest man in the NFL, but he’s in an offense that doesn’t produce consistent
numbers for its pass catchers. If you have him, I would be trying to trade him.
His value is low, but it’s probably not going up. Crabtree and Davis are the 1
and 2 option in San Fran’s passing game, and the passing game is option 127. Options 1-126 are some combination of Colin
Kapernick running, Frank Gore running, Carlos Hyde running, and Jim Harbaugh
screaming obscenities at anyone who will listen.
-CKShreve
Marry F**k Kill - Week 4
9/24/2014 - 3:02pm
Welcome back to the weekly game of MFK. If I tell you to
marry someone, that means I think they’ll have long-term value and are a must
add if available. If I tell you to f**k someone, that means they are benefiting
from circumstances that make them a great option in the short term, usually
someone I would trust just this week, and lastly if I tell you to kill someone
that means trade them or drop them or just generally avoid them like herpes.
The players involved will be players that are either widely
available as free agents in an ESPN 12 team league, or guys I think you should
be trying to target or dump in trades. This week we’re going to focus on
quarterbacks. Bye weeks start this week and a number of teams have been forced
to make changes at the most important position on the field.
If I’m looking for a long-term solution at the QB position
than I will primarily be looking at the QB’s present ability, the QB’s
likelihood to grow into a top tier NFL QB, and the quality of the talent
surrounding him.
The math changes a little bit if you are just looking for a
bye week fill in. At that point you can simply ignore the QB’s future
potential, but you should be thinking about weather conditions, and the quality
of the defense the QB is playing. Domes are the best for offensive production,
followed by outdoor stadiums in warm climates. Nobody throws for 300 yards and
4 TD’s in snow or rain (Please don’t tell me about all the times this has
happened. It was a generalization. Also, I hate you.).
I’d tell you I’m rooting for you, but I’m not.
Marry – Kirk Cousins
Full disclosure – I’m an Eagles fan. You can lump the Washington
Football Team in with platoon running backs and handjobs. I don’t like them,
but I love Kirk Cousins for this season, and potentially beyond. DeSean Jackson
and Pierre Garcon are the best wide receiver tandem in the NFC East, and the
Washington Football Team has a schedule softer than puppy ears. The defenses in
the NFC East are all bad this year, and Captain Kirk gets to play the Giants
twice, the Cowboys once, and the Tampa Bay Suckaneers. Yes, that does assume
that RG3 doesn’t play anymore snaps this season. Call it a hunch. Finally, who
doesn’t want to marry Captain Kirk? Have you seen him? Dreamy.
F**k – Teddy Bridgewater
Did he play well after being thrown in following the Matt
Cassel injury? No he didn’t. That being said, he plays Atlanta this week. The
game is going to be in a dome, and the Vikings are going to be losing. If
they’re losing they’re throwing. If they’re throwing it’s going to be in the
general direction of Cordarelle Patterson. Cordarelle Patterson is a stud. This
is a perfect example of the opponent, the surrounding talent, and the
conditions being more important than the actual QB.
Kill – Blake Bortles
Don’t buy into the hype just yet. Their best receiver so far
is an undrafted rookie. Their offensive line is abysmal. Best case scenario,
Bortles is Ben Roethlisberger Lite and evades tremendous pressure due to the
porous offensive line, and throws rockets at his talented but inexperienced
receivers (All of which are currently nursing injuries). Worst case scenario,
he’s an overmatched rookie quarterback who gets massacred week after week, and
doesn’t have the offensive line or talent around him to bail him out.
Jacksonville is a dumpster fire and probably will be for at least one more year
after this. Now is not the time to go all in on Blake Bortles.
-CKShreve
Marry/F**k/Kill - Week 3
9/18/2014 - 4:51pm
We’re going to play a weekly game of MFK. If I tell you to
marry someone, that means I think they’ll have longterm value and are a must
add if available. If I tell you to f**k someone, that means they are benefiting
from circumstances that make them a great option in the short term, usually
someone I would trust just this week, and lastly if I tell you to kill someone
that means trade them or drop them or just generally avoid them like herpes.
Each week we’re going to focus on one position. The players
involved will be players that are either widely available as free agents in an
ESPN 12 team league, or guys I think you should be trying to target or dump in
trades. This week it’s going to be running backs, because running backs are how
you win your league. If you can steal a top 20 back off waivers you’re going to
be in a position to do some damage in your league’s playoff. I’d tell you I’m
rooting for you, but I’m not.
Marry - Ahmad Bradshaw
I hate platoon running backs. I hate them more than I hate
handjobs (I really hate handjobs), but Ahmad Bradshaw is a much more available
Darren Sproles. He’s going to get a lot of work on third downs because of his
ability to catch the ball out of the backfield, and eventually he’s going to
take more carries away from Trent Richardson. He’s already getting more
offensive snaps than Richardson, and the carries will come. He’s going to get
10-20 touches a game, and is explosive enough to do something with them. (I
just traded him in one of my leagues. Do as I say, not as I do.)
F**k – Bobby Rainey
For real hurry up and do it. The game starts in 4 hours.
Bobby Rainey is a mediocre running back. Bobby Rainey is a mediocre running
back who could get 30 touches. Bobby Rainey is a mediocre running back who
could get 30 touches against the worst rush defense in the NFL. Doug Martin
might play. Doesn’t matter. Bobby Rainey is the must start this week. So yeah,
f**k Bobby Rainey but please use a condom. NFL running backs don’t make great
parents. Looking at you Adrian Peterson and Reggie Bush and Jonathan Dwyer.
Kill – Donald Brown
Yeah, I know Ryan Matthews is injured, but this a team that
loves to throw the ball in the red zone. Guess who the back will be when that
happens. It’ll be Danny “I give good but not great” Woodhead. Brown might get
10 touches but I expect it to be less than that. There are other players
available on waivers with more immediate impact, and vastly better longterm
upside.
-CKShreve
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