This week, TOFFG was fortunate enough to
score an interview with Jerry Jones, owner of the Dallas Cowboys, aka
“America’s Team.”
Ok, so we weren’t able to actually get the interview. But if we had, this is
how it would have gone. Enjoy.
-Noah D.
TOFFG: “Hello, Mr. Jones.
Thank you for taking time out of your busy schedule to speak with us.”
Jerry Jones: “Well,
when my secretary showed me your interview with Bill Belichick from last year,
I almost had to. The Patriots may be the current Super Bowl champions, but the
Cowboys are America’s team. I’m not doing this interview for you, I’m doing it
for America.”
TOFFG: “Mr.
Jones, let's cut to the chase. Your star wide receiver is out for most of the
season. Your star quarterback is out for most of the season. Your running back
situation is a mess. What can Cowboys fans really hang their hats on?"
JJ: "We got Dan
Bailey baby. Have you ever seen 75 yard field goals? Because you're about to.
Everything's big in Texas, including that guy's leg. Yeeeeehaw!"
TOFFG: “Mr. Jones, can
Brandon Weeden step up and take control of this team?”
JJ: "No. Brandon
Weeden sucks. The f***in’ Browns cut Brandon Weeden.
TOFFG: "Well,
Mr. Jones - what are you going to do then?"
JJ: "Oh, we're
trading for RG3. Kid's got a big arm, and our offensive line can actually
protect him. Besides, can you imagine the look on every last Redskin fan’s face
when I have their ‘franchise savior’ demolish them? That Gruden guy is such an
ass, he’s really got it comin’.”
TOFFG:
“That’s frightening,
Mr. Jones. But on the same topic… Texas Governor Greg Abbott expressed on
Twitter that he would like Dallas to sign Tim Tebow. What are your
thoughts?"
JJ:
"That would be a
media circus. Imagine, Tebow coming in to start for the Dallas Cowboys after
being cut by NFC East rival Philadelphia Eagles, after a game where those same
Eagles broke Romo's collarbone? Absolute insanity. Abbott's got a pair of big
ones for suggesting that."
TOFFG:
"But Mr. Jones,
what do you think of the idea?"
JJ: "Oh it's a great idea. I'll bring in RG3 and sign Tebow for wildcat plays. Excuse me, I have to go make some phone calls."
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