TOFFG Interview: Bill Belichick!

The Other Fantasy Football Guys brings you the best mediocre fantasy advice on the planet - and now we're bringing you the best mediocre fake interviews! Starting with Bill Belichick - head coach of the Patriots, five time Super Bowl Champion, and the physical incarnation of Satan to fantasy players everywhere.

The Other Fantasy Football Guys: Mr. Belichick, thank you so much for talking to us today. Can we call you Bill?

Bill Belichick: No.

TOFFG: Right… Mr. Belichick, I’m sure you’ve seen on ESPN and Yahoo the comment that you must hate fantasy football players, because you change your gameplan every week so that you have no real fantasy-reliable players. What do you have to say to that?

BB: I don’t hate fantasy football players. I’m a fantasy football player myself.

TOFFG: Oh? How many leagues are you in?

BB: One. And I’ve won it three times. 2001, 2003, and 2004.

TOFFG: Those happen to be all the years you won the Super Bowl with the Patriots.

BB: I draft Patriots.

TOFFG: But Mr. Belichick, if you draft Patriots then why is New England’s backfield so unclear? It’s always been a weekly debate between Stevan Ridley and Shane Vereen. Even now that Ridley’s out for a while, we have to debate between Brandon Bolden and Vereen. Why the uncertainty?

BB: That’s easy. I hate Shane Vereen.

TOFFG: What?

BB: I hate Shane Vereen. It’s my personal mission to make his life hell. I’d trade him off the Patriots, but it’s easier to torture him if I have direct control over his snap count.

TOFFG: Is he on your fantasy team?

BB: Hell no. But I know he has himself on his team. So I give him enough snaps to give him hope that he’ll do well, then hand the goal-line touches to some lumbering oaf like James Develin. He loses his matchup every week. Almost enough to make me smile. Almost.

TOFFG: But what about Ridley’s lack of touches?

BB: I have Ridley on my team, and I usually give him the bulk of the carries when I’m gonna have a tight fantasy game. I have Brandon Bolden handcuffed to him though. That’s why Bolden had 10 carries when Ridley went down.

TOFFG: Ok… What about Tom Brady? I guess it must have stunk to have him for the first four weeks of the season.

BB: I actually didn’t have him for the first four weeks – I just recently got him in a trade. That’s why I’m giving him the ball more now. I didn’t want someone else to cash in on my gameplan.

TOFFG: So does that mean we can count on Brady for the rest of the season?

BB: No. I might trade him. You know who you can count on though? Tim Wright.

TOFFG: Tim Wright? Are you serious? He’s owned in less than 5% of leagues!

BB: Yes, but I just started a league where I have two TE slots. So I start Gronk and Wright. That’s why Wright had 1 catch for 1 yard and 1 touchdown. I was playing against Vereen and he was in line for the carry… so I had Brady throw it to Wright. Vereen almost had an aneuryism. Wright's gonna get a TD a week if I can manufacture it.

TOFFG: Why hasn’t Danny Amendola done anything for fantasy owners this year? He seems almost like an afterthought in your real-life offense.

BB: Wes Welker has Danny Amendola on his fantasy team. F**k Wes Welker.

TOFFG: You are a horrible, vindictive little man.

BB: Correct. But I have five more Super Bowl rings than you.

TOFFG: And three more fantasy championships. Any last comments for our readers?

BB: On to Chicago.

TOFFG: You play the Jets next – it’s a division matchup. On Thursday night.

BB: Yah, but they suck. On to Chicago.